TGIF

It's Friday. Officially made it thru one week at the new job. It was tedious but I met a lot of great professionals and look forward to taking care of patients.

Even with the commuting I managed to make 3 homemade meals for dinner. That was an accomplishment for me. Not too long ago I would have pulled into a mcdonalds or ordered pizza. Monday night was therapy night which included a trip to noodles ( per usual) and Friday is pizza night. 

There has been frequent breakdowns into tears by both mom and kiddos. Not simultaneously, though. As the week progressed I could see the behavior for what it was, an attempt to get some attention and affection and I did my best to set reasonable limits and give lots of hugs and kisses. 

I even made it out to CrossFit one night. A while ago I read that if you are doing something to avoid making your kids upset, then that is not a good parenting strategy. On Monday, Oliver asked if I was leaving for my class and I told him I was going on Wednesday only. He cried, but came out of it pretty quickly. When Wednesday came around I said I was leaving for my class and there wasn't a single whine, tear , complaint. In fact, Oliver encouraged me to go.  It was a remarkable moment for me. I realized that if I asked for what I needed, my kids would give it to me. It may take some practice, but eventually they will get it. 

So many times I tell my kids they need to be brave. To try to solve their own problems and work thru the frustration. I wish it was easy for me to follow my own advice. 

A new adventure

I started on my next chapter this week. 

I grabbed up the first L&D job that came my way. This hospital should be a good first job for me. They are working toward baby friendly status, magnet status and bring on a new team of new nurses (me). 

The next two weeks are full of fun classroom learning which changes up the schedule with the kiddos and is causing me some serious anxiety. 

We had to hire a new babysitter to come in the morning to take the kiddos to preschool. With the commute, I see them at the end of the day for dinner and bedtime. It's heartbreaking. Truly. 

The guilt is very real. I missed CrossFit to be with the kids and somewhat regret it. As this new adventure unfolds and gives me new purpose, I'm battling my former purpose. Or at least how to combine the two. 

I'm sure this is no new challenge to working moms. And I'm in full cliche mode here, but it feels very real and specific to me.  I miss my kids, but love having work outside the home. This is going to be a tough one. 

Boom!

We got our fastpass+. We got our fastpass+

Countdown

While the kiddos are at camp I made a countdown for the upcoming vacation. This will help Oliver organize around the idea of travelling. And gets me even more excited for the big trip.

I drew an airplane depicting our travel days and a cake representing the wedding. 

Every day the kids can remove one link until the last day, when we leave for the airport. 

The last details of the trip include fast passes for WDW and the finishing touches on the kids' formal outfits. Only 58 days to go! 

Dont' Laugh, Mommy

So, today Oliver asked me to stop laughing because it made him sad. What!? Yes - apparently when Josh and I talk and laugh it makes Oliver feel bad and sad. He told us to stop laughing and that it wasn't nice. He instantly related some experiences with other children. "It makes other children feel bad when you are laughing and so you shouldn't do it. It makes me sad and mad." Wow, kiddo. You just communicated your first pangs of jealousy.

My response: "Sometimes Mommy and Daddy talk and laugh because we are friends and we like talking to each other. We love you very much, too."

When Oliver takes time to have more than a four word sentence, it's pretty darn important and this feeling he had needed to stop. After I responded he sat in his car seat and started playing obnoxiously to get my attention. It toned down after a while and I hope I said the right thing. I forget how fragile my monster of a boy can be. Even adults struggle with communicating feeling jealous, slighted, ashamed, and unworthy. This kid is starting to get it - AMEN.

Letting Go

"Set intentions - make plans - declare hopes ... and then let go. There may be overwhelm, there may be frustration,but the more we are able to let go, the more room we make for true marvel and wonder. " David and Lisbeth of Sparkle Stories.

This quote is weighing on me. As we are about to embark on our first, true family vacation, I have many ideas of what it is supposed to be like. And terrified of the disaster it could turn out to be.

Starting to plan a Disney vacation was a daunting task. Indeed, planning just 6 months in advance we found a lot of the hotels and activities were already booked. With the invention of the "fast pass" and apps, I worry for future family vacations. Will we have to plan the day-to-day activities two years in advance? What if it rains? What if someone is sick? What if one of the kids is afraid of the rides and refuses to go on? There would be no room left to dive deeper into the experiences of vacation, just follow the schedule. Some of the best memories of being on vacation with family are the mistakes and good fortune we encountered.

When I saw the quote in my email to "let go" it gave me some peace. It may be a disaster, but those are the fun parts, the parts you remember most, so go with the flow. Those moments are a rarity in a life that is scheduled to the hour. And if I say it with 61 days to go until vacation, I might actually have a chance of not being a complete anxiety freak when it finally gets here. Yet another reason to keep singing the Frozen soundtrack. Again. and again. and again. "....let it go..."